On Life, Mortality, and Dying

It has always been amazing how often a confluence of events can come together to focus my thoughts in a particular direction. This post is about just that sort of circumstance.

For the last 3 years or so, I have battled illness and it has not been easy. So in July, I will be 60, and I can no longer pretend that I am not growing old. I have lung problems, recently had a knee replacement, and recovered from a series of ailments beginning with viral meningitis due to a compromised immune system. Only now can I exercise and start to rebuild. A couple of nights ago, I awoke unable to breath, and tumbled out of bed believing that something terrible was wrong, and perhaps it was, but the act of jumping out of bed restarted the old motor and it was ok once again.

This weekend my partner/spouse and I had very long talks about life and what it meant to have lived it fully. Our mortality clearly was on both our minds. Then this morning I learn of a friend who's partner passed away, and I know that feeling, or at least I know my own feeling having lost my own love/soul mate back in '97.

And so here I am. I think I live as fully as I can considering the health issues. There is my writing and my gardening and the animals are a source of neverending joy. There is the sleep disorder, but that just permits more quality time in the evening for the things that I love.

What happens after death is of no great concern, for I am quite comfortable knowing that I will never know until that time comes. And part of my belief system is one that speaks of a continuity in life where like the rest of nature, has a beginning, middle, and end, and what is left behind is the love offered while here. All in all, as a life goes, I am particularly happy, especially considering the fact that life was particularly brutal when younger.

But there is the realization that this life I love so much is growing shorter. It is reasonable to assume considering the health issues that another 10 to 20 years may be it if I am lucky, and though the time of passing is as uncertain as ever, it is clear that it is at the point where it will be sooner rather than later.

I think what I fear is the dying itself. And the loss of something I hold so very dear. Now certainly these fears and concerns are not anything new in this world. But they are my feelings now. And I know I am powerless over what is to come. Still I wonder out loud if the fear is meant to endure for the rest of the journey, or if somehow I will come to grips with that as well? I thought I had, having nearly died when I was younger. I thought wrong. I wrote this awhile back. Perhaps it is as close as I can get to any resolution:

AT BIRTH’S MOMENT

At moment of birth’s breath we scream
Vision focuses on death’s door.
Life contained in finite dreams
Dark day comes, here no more.

Growing, reaching for what can never be
Life’s vision expands becoming forever
And we are brash and bold, gods of all we see
And time slips away for immortality that is never.

And we seek immortality through thoughts and deeds
Isolating from our connectedness, specializing in denial
And build and conquer and quietly our lives breed
The fear with which to destroy as is our style.

Amidst humanity’s bombasts and bomb blasts
Wars of conquest, power, and control
Wars of nations, wars of neighbors always they last
Running from fear residing in soul.

Searching for solution, solution in which to trust
Clinging to hope of different ending
Despite frantic search we shall return to dust
And we become angry at fate’s sad sending.

And then, older still; bargain and negotiate
And gradually reconcile and enjoy
Life’s gift knowing end soon is life’s fate
Focus now on our piece of a greater story.

Contentment becomes ours with each and every day
And live each moment, it might be the last.
Understanding the price soon enough will be paid
Loving life more for each breath passed.

And then that day comes, quietly we scream.
We have seen the vision of coming death’s door
Life lived, with unfulfilled dreams
Dark day is here, and we are no more.

And yet a blessing indeed for love and soul
Love living on, in mystery so sublime
And our memory becomes part of the whole
Even as finite body recycles into the Divine.

And if we see Earth as living and being
And if we accept we are all part of whole
In all of creation we are seeing
Nothing lost, and love rooted at heart of soul.


Jessica Wicks
Copyright June 8, 2004

9-11, A Not Made For TV Rant

Now I run the risk of offending some, which is not my intent, but only am stating my feelings. I have had it with the constant refrain from media mouths that "our lives have changed forever" or "9-11 was the day the world changed". No it did not! Disasters both man made and natural have happened throughout history. If we have been living in a bubble thinking somehow we were immune from the bad things that happen in this world, then that is no one's fault but our own.

About 3 weeks ago, CNN became "The Terror Network" it seems. Non-stop it could happen, it will happen, where will it happen, discussion of the "war on terror." I for one have had it.

First, there is no such thing as "a war on terror" and I wish the myth would end now. One can declare war on a band of terrorists such as Al Queda, or on a nation, or on a group of nations, but not on terror, for terror is a part of the human condition. Do I not feel terror when walking down a back alleyway in a high crime area? Are the people who would do me harm enemy combatants, or just plain on hoodlums? Once I was surrounded by would be gay bashers, and only my wits preserved me to tell the story. I felt such a violation in my heart, but still, they were not terrorists, only idiots and criminals. Rather a war on terror is nothing more than an excuse to use wartime powers to strip personal liberties in true 1984 fashion and I am fed up with that crap.

9-11 was a horrible occurrence and there must be a special ring in hell for the folks who committed this act. But I wonder to myself, would I not feel the same way if I were an ordinary citizen in Afghanistan or Iraq when bombers I could not even see dropped cluster bombs and killed countless thousands of people who were not military, just ordinary folks? Were we the terrorists when we created the firestorms in Dresden, or brought mass destruction to Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Does the term "collateral damage" really apply in such instances?

I am reminded of a saying from the Viet Nam days. "Fighting for peace is like f**king for chastity." I have made some decisions for myself. Of course everyone who knows me knows I am a pacifist and will use any forum to encourage a day when peace rather than war will be the priority. But beyond that there is more. I must state my opinion that the so-called war on terrorism is but a sham to consolidate power. I can grieve the loss of innocents at 9-11 or the failure to act resulting in senseless deaths in New Orleans without reaching out to conquer the world or steal resources to do so. I can demand and indeed DEFY every effort to curb personal liberties so important to our fore fathers and fore mothers who founded this nation on the principles of freedom and liberty.

And I can refuse to provide advertisers with one more viewer of their crap that is thinly veiled propaganda rather than historical or honest in any sense. Question: How many knew that when you TIVO something, the cable company sends that information to the various networks so they can make programming decisions? So everyone who tivo'd (is that a verb yet?) the 9-11 show so filled with distortions, told Disney and ABC that they were going to watch that film, and any increase in numbers due to the controversy only encourages them. My tv will mostly be off today, because there is enough out there to fear without the countless talking heads telling me I must be afraid.

And I write to the networks and inform them of my programming decisions. And I talk about it to my friends and people I come in contact with. I am tired of the networks using the airways that belong to all of us as a base for blatant political propagandizing. Shame on them, and in the face of the criticism and proof that they had misrepresented the facts, ABC went ahead and broadcast anyway. My vote is simple. ABC is now being boycotted by this one viewer.

And ultimately it comes to a question that has worried me more than a little. Why must I go to Comedy Central to get tv news worth listening too? Something really is terribly wrong in this picture.

We went out for a walk today. Since my surgery, my knee works so much better, and as Robin and I walked Lucy, I was almost bursting with energy. The air was cool, the neighbors had all poured out of their homes as we walked, then visited, then resumed walking again.

I love cool weather! It leaves me so energized and exuberant. Their was a soft breeze, and I reflected how this was the first day of the season that I could wear something besides a t-shirt. It brought back memories living in Texas, when hot weather would last so much longer, and on that first hint of fall, there would be a thrill that ran within.

As we walked the squirrels ran busily, gathering acorns and preparing for cold weather to come in another month or two. Tuesday are primary elections and I get my chance to cast a vote for change. In only two months, the general elections will be upon us. More immediately, Monday will be the fifth anniversary of 9-11. But I will not be preoccupied with fear, nor succumb to the negativity of these times. Rather, I shall focus on life, being alive today, and marvel at the creation which surrounds me and of which I am a part and parcel. All life is fleeting and temporary, and the best we can do is the best we can do, and immerse ourselves in this most precious passing moment. The most amazing things so often are the most basic and simple things after all, like a kiss from the one I love, or a sunrise, or a gentle breeze filled with the smells of seasonal change.

This morning I awoke, and lying next to me curled in a small ball formed against the curve of my body where the legs and torso meet, our small dog lay quietly asleep with a peace any human could only desire for themselves. My legs twitch and stir, and she stiffens her body, then turns over with paws up, the very tip of her tongue sticking ever so slightly out front and with lips curled in a way that she could only be experiencing the same exstacy of life itself. I softly rub her belly, and the smile becomes more pronounced, then she stretches, and the day begins. That puppy's love trumps terror any day of the year.

I step outside in the early morning and there is an ever so faint chill that was not here a week or two ago. My heart skips a beat in expectancy knowing that in a few weeks, the colors will change, and each step will be reflected in crunching leaves below my feet. Lucy the Wonder Dog knows too, and she uses the full length of her leash to run about, sniffing the new scents and smells that come with the changing seasons....

Meanwhile, the garden is still productive as it is harvest time, and yet I begin to plan for next year's venture. The wood chip mulch will be replaced with cocoa beans I think, and with the perennials and annuals, some tomatilla plants and basil would be nice. .... Light is fading, and soon it will be another Minnesota winter. But today, there seems to be as much expectancy as during the beginnings of spring. I shall cheer the coming of the Autumn leaves, and embrace the snows that follow. Another cycle is coming to a close, and a new one is coming soon. But a cool breeze softly caresses, and a gentle shiver and my plans are set aside for the exquisite experience of simply being. Life is good today.

Poor Poor Pitiful Me, or Same Old Song Next Verse

I remember so well as a child sitting with my grandparents, and there was the inevitable grudging grunt or groan, and Grandma might quietly mutter "Danged Arthritis" but she would say it Arthuritis. And then she went quietly about her business.

Well now it is my turn. Now don't get me wrong. Unlike some, I have embraced aging, a sort of badge of honor for must being bull headed enough to survive until today. Age brings with it a social comfort that youth could not understand. These are the "NO BS" years, years where I know the world will not come to an end if I say or do something that may be unpopular. Mistakes can be made and beyond the normal apologies and personal corrections, the world really will not come to a screeching halt.

And now I can enjoy sitting by the garden watching the flowers grow, or long conversations with friends about nothing of any real importance. Having lost a partner to death and having found love again, each moment becomes somehow more special to share with those I love. And having survived many struggles and tragedies over a lifetime, just the knowledge that no matter how bad it gets, that it will pass, empowers in ways I could not have imagined even a few years ago.

But, and isn't there always a but? But a struggle facing me as never before has been dealing with an array of health issues, any of which alone would hardly be noteworthy, but as a cumulative total have produced something of a struggle.

Ok, going back, Prior to September, 2004, I was in great health. Daily I rode my bike, often traveling the Grand Rounds around Minneapolis, perhaps 20, 30 or more miles in a day. When I exercise, I naturally eat less fat and healthier food and the doctors loved my blood work and heart rates and weight. But in that early September, I collapsed at the State Fair, and soon after was diagnosed with likely viral meningitis.

Now that took a couple of months to overcome, and something happened during all of that and the immune systems were compromised, and so there was one infection after another. Homebound and ill much of the time, I ate...and ate... and, well you get the point.

Then came the issues with the knees. I had arthritis for a long time, but it became exponentially worse, a result of an unalligned leg from an accident 35 years earlier. It became so painful that even bike riding became impossible, and a healthy gait was replaced with pained hobbling with help from a cane.

So finally, much fatter and immobilized from a joint where bone scraped against bone, I had a knee replacement. Well at last one would think, things will get better. But alas that was not to be either.

As I began to get off the drugs for pain, we discovered a severe case of Restless Leg Syndrome and extreme insomnia. It has been several months finding a medication regime which allows any sleep at all. Fortunately I am retired, and my hours for sleep even with the medications had to be altered. And being run down, bronchial problems and asthma that I had not had for years returned. Damage to nerves and blood vessels in surgery probably contributed to the condition.

Ok alright already, enough whining! What this all means is finding new ways to face each day. We have focused on diet, eating healthy and organic foods. Exercise means traveling down and upstairs to wash clothes, or 15-20 minutes on the exercise bike. On good days, it is about doing what I can do, and on not so good days, being kind to self and putting one foot in front of the other and learning to do fewer things better.

Some are blest with good health till late in life, others perhaps face challenges earlier. It is what it is, and I still hope for that better health to return. But what I have is today, and my mind is still very much alive, and the garden is still waiting for tinkering, and the pets never tire of my company, and my partner seems to still like spending time with me as well.

A while back, I wrote a reading for our church, devoted to living and transcending our personal dark night of the soul. This excerpt seems somehow appropriate here:

And then that day comes, quietly we scream.
We have seen the vision of coming death’s door
Life lived, with unfulfilled dreams
Dark day is here, we are no more.

And yet a blessing indeed for love and soul
Love living on, in mystery so sublime
And our memory becomes part of the whole
Even as finite body recycles into the Divine.

And if we see Earth as living and being
And if we accept we are all part of whole
In all of creation we are seeing
Nothing lost, and love rooted at heart of soul.

And the shadow of fear is faced fully, and into the darkness we step, not knowing where the journey will lead. And if lucky, the darkness is transcended and on the other side, the light of love and the self which is true. And if well done, at the end of it all, a contentment in that realization itself.

These are strange times we are living in. A blog can discuss politics, or spirituality, or just how one is feeling on a given day. Perhaps here I can touch on these and many other issues over time. I am 59 years old, facing some of the health issues that sometimes occur with the experiences of a lifetime. The times are uncertain and the planet is transitioning to something we do not yet know, and the uncertainty can be felt in a thousand different ways.

Now it is not as if similar transitions have never taken place before. Any student of history can point to countless examples where major changes were forced upon a population and there is upheaval and disruption before things settle to a new way of doing things. Against such a backdrop, I offer my musings on the issues of our time, and how one woman in Minneapolis deals with the change spinning around. Here are my thoughts, my fears, my politics, my spirituality, my activist leanings, my voice, one of millions. I share from my experience, strength, and hope for any who care to read about it.